Karin sits on her desk hugging her knees, next to her bedroom window. She is not exactly a boyish girl, but tonight, she feels like looking out her window, watching and listening to the sound of the rain outside, and the best way to do it is by sitting on her desk. She watches the rain as her mind flies back to the conversation she had with Reva earlier in campus..
She had overheard the girls asking Reva, why he hadn’t asked her out when it was clear that she had broken up with Galih and they were not getting back together. Reva answered confidently, “I don’t have to be her boyfriend just to be with her and be there for her.”
She wanted to know what he meant and she had always wondered what she meant to him, so she caught him after the last lecture and they sat together on the grass.
“I heard you talking to the girls earlier.”
“And..”
“I wonder what will happen once you have someone special..”
“What is it really that you want to say? You know I’m not good with hints.”
“I never thought about the possibility of you being with someone until today.. And I realise it actually scares me..”
“Why are you scared? You always said that you would be a good PR for me.” Reva said it jokingly, as Karin always told him every time she suggested him to ask a girl out.
Karin sighed and looked down to the grass, “You’re always there for me. Now I realise that I don’t want to lose it.. I don’t want to lose you.. What if that is how I feel?”
As always, Reva answered confidently, “We know each other since we were little, but we’re not kids anymore, Karin. I have dreams and expectations of my life and my future. When I choose someone to be with me, she will be my choice for the rest of my life. I won’t play around with someone else’s heart. Certainly not yours.”
Karin gasps at the memory, the exact same way she did when Reva looked straight to her as he was saying the words. Being subtle is not Reva’s greatest point, the good thing is Reva never lies.
Karin’s eyes returns to the heavily falling rain, the sound of the rain hitting the roof and the window makes an abstract but harmonious music to her. The sight of the rain outside her window resembles her feelings, everything moves fast around her to every direction, blurring her vision, giving her a feeling of being lost in a flooded dark cave.
She understands perfectly that Reva will not ask her out, at least not in the near future when he knows that she is not healed from her break up with Galih. But she was telling the truth to Reva, she did not want to lose him. The two years she was going out with Galih had opened her eyes and mind about many things, but unfortunately not everything.. Not yet.. And she needs to find out the rest, before it’s too late..
Karin’s thought goes back to the past. Galih’s and Reva’s parents are her parents’ good friends. All the play times, family picnics and weekend trips they had together had brought them closer to be best friends.
Galih has always been the polite type and he always finds subtle and kind words to say to her. When they started school, Galih became one of the most helpful students at school that everyone always invited him to be involved in many events and Galih was always happy to participate.
While Reva, with his sharp mouth, was generally avoided by the girls, except Karin who knew him well. The boys did not necessarily like him either, Reva was known to get detentions for fighting. When someone he crossed path with felt uncomfortable with his attitude and challenged him, giving in was never an option for him. Even though he finally learned to control himself and stopped fighting as he started high school, still, he mostly kept to himself when there was no urgent need for being social.
As they started high school, Karin started to understand that there would be time when they had to go their own ways, but she was always hoping that she never had to lose her best friends. That was why when Galih asked her out, she happily said yes to him.
In reality, Galih was always busy with his duties for school events and other students who also became his circle of friends. Karin was often left alone in background and Reva was the one who was always there for her.
After going out for 2 years, Karin started to feel that Galih was not the kind of guy she expected to be with her.
Karin sighs..
She remembers the last high school charity camp that she went with both Galih and Reva.
Galih was very busy with the other kids, especially Jessie, who was in charge of the layout of the event. After dinner, while Karin was sitting near the camp fire, she could feel movement next to her. She knew it wasn’t Galih because she was looking at him from quite a distance.
“You should sleep. It’s late, “ Reva spoke as he was taking off his jacket and handing it to Karin.
Karin took the jacket and put it on as she smiled to Reva who just sat himself next to her.
“I’m listening to those guys playing the guitar. They are good.”
Reva gave Karin some of the snacks he was holding and a glass of hot chocolate he brought from the kitchen tent, “Good thinking to serve late night snacks!”
Karin took the little plate and glass from Reva. She smiled at Reva’s compliment to her kitchen team’s idea, “Thanks.”
For some time they both sat facing the fire, listening to the songs. Karin did not expect Reva to talk because he only talked when he felt there was a need for it.
As Karin expected, Reva finally spoke when she finished her snack and picked up her hot chocolate.
“When you’ve finished that, you should sleep. The songs can be your lullabies. Don’t wait until they’re finished playing, it will be dead quiet!”
“Yes, you’re right. Breakfast needs to be served early tomorrow too.”
Reva nodded as Karin took the last sip of her hot chocolate, took off Reva’s jacket and handed it back to him. Then she walked to her tent and waved to Reva before she disappeared into it.
Tears are slowly falling down Karin’s cheeks. She wipes them with her hands, but her eyes are still focused on the rain outside her window..
Breaking up with Galih was the hardest thing Karin ever had to do. Galih was a kind person but somehow it was not good enough for her that he spent more time with other people than with her. She finally decided she had had enough, last week, when she had to stay until late in the library and there was no more bus by the time she left the library..
For the tenth time Karin pressed the red button on her mobile phone. Galih was still not answering his phone and the taxi company she called was still trying to find one for her. She is not only worried now, she is scared.. There were three guys getting off a bus on a far intersection and they were walking to her direction. She was hoping they would make a turn at some street or a taxi would come soon.
When Karin saw the guys walked past the third street on their left, she felt sure that they were walking to the bus stop she was at. She quickly pressed ‘recall’ and when Galih was still not answering, she quickly decided to call the person she knew would come for her, Reva.
“Karin?!”
She closed her eyes in relief hearing Reva’s voice.
“I stayed too long in the library and now there are no more busses. I’m at the campus bus stop. I can’t get Galih and there are three guys walking towards me from the intersection. What should I do?”
Karin could hear fast movements from the other end as Reva’s voice became slightly distant. Karin knew Reva must be talking while getting ready and had put her on ear set.
“Do you have enough credit on your phone?”
“Yes.”
“Stay where you are and don’t hang up! I’m on my way.”
Karin could hear Reva’s motorbike starting up and going fast on the road. She was silent for a long time, trying not to disturb Reva while he was riding. But as the three guys were getting very close to the bus stop, Karin was getting very scared.
“The guys are almost at the bus stop.”
“Hang on. I’m close.. I can see you.”
One of the guys walked straight to Karin, “Where’s your purse? Don’t do anything funny! The cops won’t get here until it’s too late anyway.”
Karin stood still, not being able to think clearly.
Then, the rest happened so fast. Reva’s bike stopped right between Karin and the guy who was approaching her. Reva took off his helmet and faced the guys with an angry look on his face.
“If I ever see any of you again..!”
Then Reva put his helmet back on and gave one to Karin. He pulled her to the backseat and quickly rode away. He didn’t stop until they reached Karin’s house.
Karin got off the bike and as she was facing Reva, she started crying. Reva pulled Karin’s head to his shoulder, “It’s over. You’re home. Safe.”
Karin pulled herself and stood in front of Reva while wiping her tears, “If you didn’t come for me, I don’t know what would happen.. Thank you.”
“Why didn’t you say anything about staying late in the library? I could’ve stayed. And what’s up with Galih?”
“I didn’t plan to stay that long. I lost track of time and missed the last bus. I don’t know where Galih is, I kept calling him but he wasn’t answering.”
“Are your parents’ home?”
“No. They’re out of town on business for two nights.”
“Get inside now. It’s really late. I’ll wait until you’ve finished locking up.”
“Thank you again, Reva.”
“Give me a call if you need anything!”
The next day, after the last lecture, Karin finally found Galih and told him that she was breaking up with him. Galih was surprised but he accepted her decision because he knew he would never be able to be the person she wished him to be.
Karin’s tears are falling down heavier, as if they were trying to race the rain outside.
Karin knows in her heart that she doesn’t want to be with Galih, but she never knows what is in Reva’s heart, or who is.. She wants to be able to say to Reva that she wants to be with him, but she can’t even tell her own feelings because it is still hurting so bad.
Karin saw the way Galih looked at Jessie, she knows that it won’t be too long until they understand that there is something special between them, and she is almost ready for it, but if it happens to Reva.. Or when it happens to Reva, she should say.. Will she ever be ready for it?
Unable to hold her feelings, Karin finally lays her forehead on her knees and starts sobbing. All the noises, thoughts and feelings make her unaware of the calls and messages arriving on her mobile phone. The last one is still displayed on the screen..
“You’re not picking up my calls and messages, I hope you’re asleep. Don’t misunderstand what I said. I can never leave you and I never will. But I will stay with you only if that is what you want. So, take your time because it is what you need the most right now.”
-22 August 2009-
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